I just realized that I had failed to mention something huge that has been unfolding for me. On July 19, I entered a contest to write a book. The details are here.
Well on Monday July 30 this announcement was made! I’m one of the finalists. I’m in some pretty amazing company.
And I’m writing my first book. Book. I’ve written devotions, newsletters, articles, and monologues. I’m writing a book. I’ve already outlined the chapters for the synopsis. I have about 20 write. Except I already turned in the first and today I was finally able to crank out the lion’s share of the second chapter.
I have been so blocked in my writing since the beginning of my visit to my mom’s. When I got back Saturday, 8/11, I thought that everything would fall back into place and I would become a writing machine. Not. Ack. I have a book to write.
Today I sat in the quiet at work (quiet is something I have a lot of since I care for an 89 year old woman with dementia who doesn’t want me there so she doesn’t speak to me very often) and began to ponder deeply what this block was all about. I’m a trained counselor afterall, so I should be able to figure this out. A counselor and a pastor—so I can check both heart and head! And that I did.
I worked my way through several possibilities, finally I landed on fear. Fear? Where did that come from? I’ve been so excited about this. Then I began to feel something uncomfortably familiar. It probably should have dawned on me earlier in the week since I had two very different but oddly similar conversations with each of my daughters. For them the issue was parenting. They’re both such perfectionists…I can’t imagine how they got wired that way being the children of two first born parents, one strongly melancholy and the other equally strong as a choleric. (Sigh…).
What should I have realized? I was being blocked by fear and not fear of failure, even though it might look that way given the strong writing talent that I’m up against. No. For me there has always been this infuriating fear of success. I can’t explain it. I don’t want it. I have been stifled on more than one occasion by it’s ugliness. Well, today, I decided ENOUGH! I determined to push right past the block of fear and show myself and my daughters that it is okay to succeed.
As soon as I wrote those words in my journal, it was like a dam burst–I couldn’t write fast enough. Wouldn’t you know I’d leave the computer home today? Page after page, word upon word. Until I ran out of time and had to continue the process at home.
Is it enough to say that it felt amazing? Probably not. I had thought I was going to ride bike tonight, but I doubt I’ll leave this seat except for necessities…and maybe for So You Think You Can Dance…it is quite inspirational to me.
So I’m off to work some more on my book. I have a review that I wrote while on vacation that I need to post and another book I’m reading and quite enjoying that I’ll post the review on Monday.
Life is full and good. How about for you?
Pot of Manna 