Enouragement – Page 5

Part 2: Applying the Critique

(If you didn’t read the previous post, you might consider doing so…in case I can’t make this make sense on its own.)

Today has been a full day of blessed meetings, phone calls, and contacts…but also a day saturated with the awareness of growth. That’s all so exciting to me.

As I am typing this post, I feel lighter and hopeful. I have been able to shut the door on the negative messages I had allowed to permeate my thinking, mood, and actions.

My work with writing critique groups has been very helpful as I have struggled to understand the critique I received on my messages. Here are few important things I’ve learned about critique:

When people are courageous enough to give you their perception, don’t ignore it. As weird as it may sound: it is a gift.
As the receiver of critique, we have the opportunity accept or reject what is being offered. Prayerfully listening will assist in one’s ability to discern what’s best and truly helpful.
This bullet may not apply to you, but it’s abundantly true for me: I do not need to be perfect. Perfection, or the expectation of perfection, can often limit our ability to grow. I will either be disappointed because I’m not measuring up, or feel defeated and just give up. My goal needs to be growth (process/journey) not perfection.
There’s always something to be learn. When we stop learning, we stop living.

So how do I apply this learning from my experience with writing critique. Here’s what I know about myself.

I like writing devotions. I major in paring down the fat, leaving the nugget. So why should I be wounded that someone is saying I’m too long winded. Cut back on the fluff and make sure the treasure (main point) shines. Editing is our friend.
I teach a course to men and women preparing for leadership in the Church of the Brethren that focuses on Christian Education in the Small Church. I remember clearly telling the class that the message is not the be-all-end-all of the worship experience. Yes, I put enormous energy and study into crafting a message plan that builds on the full word of God. I give attention to my year plan and series of messages. I focus on the things that are distinctive to Brethren. I challenge myself. I listen to the Spirit. I’m sensitive to the needs of the people. But the message is just one part of the worship experience. I had forgotten this. The weight I put on the message and myself had become disproportionate. I don’t even like thinking about what it had become.

Here’s where it gets super exciting for me. The Enemy of my soul and ministry was winning while I was stuck licking my wound. Ugh. Nelson was right. I let it go on way too long. The great and wonderful news is: I’m back! I’m ready to grow. I have a new tool and I’m not afraid to use it—to the glory of God and the help of my neighbor.

Get ready church! God’s my best editor. Here come his treasured nuggets.

Brain Protection

I have learned to take critique. Thank you, Word Weavers. I have actually gotten to the place with my writing that I seek out the input of others to make me a better writer.

Sadly, this openness to input and constructive criticism had not reached other parts of my life.

Not long ago, the chairman of the commission I’m directly responsible to informed me that I need to cut back on the length of my sermons, and stick to my manuscript so that I don’t get off topic so much.

I love preaching. And I was under the impression after only glowing comments for the past four and a half years that the congregation was pleased with my style and delivery. I make a point of watching the crowd and thought I was reading them well.

Guess not.

I began to feel like I used to when I got job evaluations. The whole eval could be positive, but if there was one point where I perceived I received a negative “grade” that’s all I could focus on. And I always took it personally. That’s what coming from a shame-based family will do for you—at least it did for me.

I complied. I became a clock watcher. I finished in time for the closing hymn—whether I was done or not. I stopped short of saying, “Well, I can see we’re out of time…” I read the manuscript and held onto the sides of the pulpit to avoid walking away from the script and getting lost in my illustrations.

And I went home and cried every Sunday. And I sought solace in food.

Finally, this last week, my husband said, “Enough.” He went on to describe the disturbing depth of my funk, suggested a few options, and instructed me to pull out of my head.

In case I’ve never mentioned it here…I really appreciate this guy.

Then on Monday I pulled up several posts from my dear friend, Debby Berry. She’s going through a really tough time and is blogging some really powerful stuff. I plugged into her posts on Philippians 4:8 and what we need to be feeding our mind.

And a light came on in my brain. And it continued to shine brighter and brighter as I got ready for a bike ride. I remembered one of my favorite stories.

A long time ago, I read about a couple little kids who were going to ride their bikes. One kid showed up wearing his helmet. The other kid didn’t and he started teasing his buddy about his “baby hat.” The helmet wearer responded by asking why his friend’s parents didn’t make him wear one. His buddy had no answer. Helmet boy, shrugged his shoulders and replied, “I guess my mom loves my brain more than yours does.”

And I heard the sweet whisper of God: I love your brain. We need to work on your thinking.

Couldn’t argue with that.

So I put the bike on the rack and headed toward my favorite trail.

Half way down the road (flying down the interstate) I realized I forgot my helmet. I don’t ride without my helmet. Well, that’s not exactly true. This summer I got all the way (21 miles from home) to the trail and realized I’d left my helmet by the door. I opted to ride anyway, but the guilt each time I passed a child on their bike, riding with their parents, and wisely wearing their helmets, was huge. I kept wanting to shout an apology: “I’m sorry. I know I’m being a horrible example. Keep wearing those helmets kids!”

Right then, I decided I was stopping in at the bike shop near trail before I started my ride. I was hoping they rented helmets, or I’d be buying a new one. I got there at 9:40 and they didn’t open til 10. Wait? Absolutely.

When the door was unlocked, I went in and explained my dilemma and need to the owner who promptly handed me a helmet and told there was no charge.

And I heard that sweet whisper again: I love your brain. Ready to think better?

My favorite thing about riding is how close I feel to God as I pedal away. I found that to be especially true on this ride. I left my funk somewhere out on the trail. I came up with several creative options to my preaching critique—that’s what critique should do. Now we’ll implement them and see what works.

In case you haven’t been told lately, God loves your brain too! Be careful what you feed it.

Irritable

Lately, I’ve been feeling irritable, on-edge, restless, out-of-focus.

I grabbed my prayer book this morning and this is what I found:

Are the antidotes to my dis-ease in this simple, timely prayer? Let’s think it through:

First, have I responded in love when irritations and annoyances erupt? Nope. My anger has over-ruled and overrun my giving grace and love mechanism, like a log truck going downhill in the mountains.

If sensible people control their temper, as the writer of Proverbs admonishes, I have been anything but sensible. I have been out of my senses. I have been out of control. This is obvious in my interactions, my eating, and my disciplines. I haven’t written anything for months. My office is in total disarray. All I want to do is get on my bike and ride—hard, long, and fast.

It’s like I’m trying to get away from something. I’ve always been a runner, an avoider. Ignore something long enough and it will go away. Ridiculous thinking. I would identify it and encourage others to change, but have not been very good at owning it in myself.

As a counselor, I learned and taught classes, groups, and individuals about anger management. A basic truth for me has always been that most often anger is a protective response. People feel more comfortable expressing anger and pushing others away than owning their more vulnerable feelings of sadness, fear, confusion, or brokenness.

I’m feeling all of the above. At work. At home. In my relationships. I feel more comfortable holing up alone in my house with my dogs who don’t care what I’m going through as long as I feed them, let them out to potty, and give them an occasional scratch behind the ear.

But this is not how I want to be. And perhaps that’s why I’m so frustrated. I don’t feel like I’m allowed or supposed to feel this way. I have to be on and up for everyone. I’m not allowed to be irritated. And heaven forbid that I would express my frustration publically.

For example…last week the tree trimmers came to my house to cut my tree limbs back from the power lines. I was fuming. They’re supposed to let us know so we can pay top dollar to tree-trimming companies to sculpt rather than butcher our trees indiscriminately. We weren’t notified. They butchered my tree.

I felt violated. I was so angry, I was telling people that I was ready to chop the rest of the tree down with my teeth. Not particularly attractive talk or behavior. Upon reflection, I was mortified that I was so vociferous in my expression of my anger. I should have been gracious. After all, they were only doing their job, and keeping the electric on is important for me and for the neighborhood.

Spewing my anger over what I felt was hack job on my tree became the perfect opportunity to empty out my hoard of pent up frustration and irritation. My behavior was completely disproportionate to the incident. My ranting was unbecoming and my inability to control my expression was indicative of a deeper wounding that needs to be addressed.

That said, I have realized and reminded myself of Paul’s admonition to the Ephesians regarding anger: be angry and sin not. Anger is not the enemy. Anger is a legitimate emotion. How we release or control the intensity is what matters. Who we express it to is also relevant. Anger is energy that when channeled appropriately can result is positive change.

Typically I like to finish one of these posts in a neat package, with a tidy resolution tied up with a pretty ribbon.

Sorry, no ribbon today. Today begins the arduous work of back-tracking soul-searching examination to uncover the wound that has been the impetus to this feeling of dis-ease. I take comfort in the words of Psalm 103, “He heals all our dis-eases.”

I’m trusting in that truth, and in the ensuing process. I’m also hoping the ownership of the feelings unlocks the door to peace (completeness, shalom) so that my life and living will be a more credible witness.

Wading in Puke

The weekend before this one just past my husband and I took turns with the flu. Kindly, he went first. Not so kindly, he made a couple unsuccessful trips to the bathroom, leaving behind a very unpleast mess to clean up. He managed to spew on every wall and fixture.

Fast forward to this past weekend. Saturday night our thirteen year old grandson went to bed early, complaining of a queasy stomach. He made one trip to the bathroom, seemingly emptying his belly completely, he flushed away, and put the lid on the toilet down (as is the rule at his house). The problem came when on his second trip he could not get the lid up quickly enough or even have time to turn and aim for the sink or tub.

May I just say, I have never seen such a mess, in either quantity or dispersement. And I have no words for the smell.

Then, I was awakened Sunday morning by one of dogs wretching off the foot of our bed. He made a rather thorough mess of things, too.

All I could think was, “Really, God. I need this, why?”

This morning, after dropping my grandson off at school, I headed to my favorite coffee spot and writing place. I no sooner had my coat off when my phone rang. Sigh. The grandson. What did he forget this time?

When I answered the phone, I knew I was on speaker—I could hear the laughter and noise in the background. Through laughter my grandson finally asked “Mema, legit, did I puke all over the bathroom this weekend?”

“Yeah, buddy, it was the worst puke I’ve ever cleaned up.”

“Thanks. See…” And the line went dead as hysterical laughter broke out.

Only a group of 13 yr old boys could enjoy a story like that and be congratulatory. He was so proud of himself. And for one moment I forgot how awful a mess it had been to clean up.

I will confess, I was laughing, too. I quickly texted his mother and let her know what a hoot her son was. She responded right back a message filled with laughing emojis. He had been bragging to his gamer friends about the event as well.

The whole thing reminded me of a conversation I had with Eddie Jones (writer and CEO of Lighthouse of the Carolinas at a writers conference. I was telling him how much I appreciated his books for middle grade boys. He waxed a bit philosophical, and then said making sure each story included farts, puke, and practical jokes was his ticket to success. “You have to know your audience.”

So, dear audience, what can we take from this gross, yet for some hysterical set of circumstances. I can think of three things.

First, puke happens. It’s not pleasant in the moment, but we always tend to feel better when it’s over. Sometimes we need to let the roiling fear, anger, or grief out to feel better and be able to move on.

Don’t take yourself too seriously. The laughing group of thirteen year old boys reminded: you can even laugh about the grossest stuff of life. There will always be enough sadness to go around, but learning to find the humor is a solid way to pull yourself out of the downward spiral sadness tries to suck us into.

And remember to thank (profusely) the person who has to clean up your mess. Over and over my grandson apologized to me. And over and over I tried to assure him that I knew he didn’t plan on the mess. I believe his contrite and sincere apology was what enabled me to laugh after his verification phone call. His previous appreciation for what I endured in the extensive clean project enabled me laugh along with him and his buddies instead of thinking that he was making fun or laughing at me.

Who knew you could learn so much the negative consequences of the stomach flu?

But really, I think I learned enough to satisfy me for a very…very long time.

Advent: Give Big

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Day Eight: Go and Sell All…And Give

Jesus told him, “If you want to be perfect, go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” (Matthew 19:21, NLT)

One day a well-to-do young man came to Jesus. He wanted to know what good deed he needed to do to guarantee eternal life. In the conversation that followed the man was quick to point out his perfect keeping of the Law—I assume he was pretty proud of himself and expected Jesus to give a free-pass into heaven.

I wonder if Jesus was smiling…stifling a laugh at his arrogance and pride…and his self-absorbed confusion about what was truly important. The purpose of the Law is to make sure that we are loving God supremely and caring for our neighbor. To point out how clearly confused the wealthy man was, Jesus gave him an instruction that struck at the heart of his problem: he hadn’t done either requirement.

Truth for the rich young man was that his amassed wealth was his god, and he wasn’t willing to part with it for anyone…even if it meant missing heaven.

Some of the saddest words in scripture (in my opinion) are attributed then to this man: he went away sad.

This Advent season we have looked into the scriptures to see the “good thing” we need to do. We have thought about how God values small things. In a time when bright lights, sweet treats, cozy parties serve to cover our real need, we have taken time to focus on God’s valuing of honesty. Finally, we have pondered the greatness of God’s gift in his son, our savior—and his invitation to be cheerful generous givers.

My prayer is that we have learned what “good thing” we have each needed to address, that we have made sure God is supreme, and our neighbor is cared for.

Because I don’t want any of us to go away sad.

PRAYER: O come, o come, Emmanuel. O come let us adore him…and share the joy he wants to bring to our lives, and to the world. Amen. May it ever be true. Make it true precious God. Make it true.

Advent: Give Big

Day Seven: Cups of Cold Water

“And if you give even a cup of cold water to one of the least of my followers, you will surely be rewarded.” (Matthew 10:42, NLT)

I had been sick for days. The flu attacked me. I could barely lift my head off the pillow. I had moved to Kansas City with the girls to complete my Master of Divinity at Nazarene Theological Seminary. Nelson had stayed in Ohio to finish a building project. We knew very few people and had only a few Sundays prior started attending a church. I had no doctor. I wasn’t sure how we were going to get through this.

Then there was a knock on my door.

I pulled myself out of the bed, and padded to the door. I peeked around the curtain and saw a lady from church standing there with a casserole dish, and huge smile.

I opened the door a crack. Told her I was very sick and didn’t dare invite her in. She quickly apologized for waking me, and went on to say someone from church had mentioned how sick I was, so she brought over a “kid-friendly” tater tot casserole that could be warmed up in the microwave. She then issued her second apology: “It’s not much. Just a casserole.”

Maybe to her, but to me, it was pure gold. I thanked her profusely and received her gift.

We may look at the things we do as small and insignificant—no more than a cup of cold water. But they are life-giving to ones receiving. Paul picks up on this in his letter to the Corinthians: Little is much when God is in it.

Don’t be concerned about how small your gift may seem to you. That casserole fed my girls for two days. And in two days I was strong enough to get up and make their meals.

Never minimize the gift God invites you to give. He’ll make it be enough. And bless you in the process.

TO PONDER: Think of a time when someone showed up right on time with exactly what you needed—shared a cup of cold water with you. Ask God to show you how you can pay that gift forward.

TO DISCUSS: What small gifts can you do, offer, give, to someone around you? A cup of cold water may end up looking like a casserole, or a ride to the doctor, or an offer to clean someone’s home. Our gifts of time and talent are just as valuable as the monetary offerings that someone else might give.

PRAYER: God, thank you for the times when someone has shone up right on time with the cup of water I needed. Thank you for the ways you are moving in people’s lives to make those gifts arrive right on time. Help me to respond when you lead me to give, how you lead me to give. Amen.

Advent: Give Big

Day Six: God Gave

“For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.“ (John 3:16, NLT)

You see today’s verse on signs at sporting events. Children earn stars and badges for memorizing it in Sunday School and VBS. Many a funeral message has been drawn from its truth.

Why is it so popular?

Because in one sentence we find out who God is, how much he values us, and the message he wants us to share.

According to one of the early church fathers, each of us was created with a god-shaped hole, an empty spot only God can fill. The good news is everything we need now and for eternity has been provided by the One who can fill that hole. His love for us is that great. He proves it in the manger…and on the cross…and in the empty tomb.

God so loved the world. All inclusive. There is no person you will ever meet—no matter badly you want to judge their actions—for whom this gift was not given.

And to receive this gift, all they—we—have to do is believe it is really for us. That God is really for us…all.

Now that’s good news!

TO PONDER: ls there someone in your sphere of influence, where you live, or work, or do business who needs to hear this good news? What keeps you from sharing God’s love with others? Have you asked God to help you overcome whatever is holding you back?

TO DISCUSS: Not everyone is open to hearing this good news. What are the barriers holding people back from believing and receiving? How will you speak this truth, in love, into their lives?

PRAYER: God, imagining the cost of this gift…the immensity—that you love the world! I confess I’m not always that good. Forgive me when I judge others unworthy: because of what they’ve done, or how they live. Help me remember I stood on the outside wishing for this great gift. Show me how to live and love with your great big kind of love. Amen.

Advent: Give Big

Day Five: When It’s In Your Power to Give

Whenever you possibly can, do good to those who need it. (Proverbs 3:27, Good News Translation)

Many years ago I went to a Cincinnati Reds baseball game with a friend. We had so much fun. When the game was over we entered the slow moving hoard trying to escape the stadium and head home.

As we moved toward the escalators there was disheveled, dirty beggar with a sign seeking for any donation that could be thrown his way. Our slow inching forward gave me a very sad perspective. The mob split and gave wide berth to the man…and no one dropped anything in his bucket.

Each time I remember this, my heart aches. There wasn’t a person scooting by who lacked the means to help in some way. We had all spent an enormous amount on our entertainment and treats…but we couldn’t help someone else?

Recently, a man who had been released from jail stopped by church for help. I had no cash on hand, but I had a few fast food restaurant gift cards in my wallet. They weren’t full, but between the three, he could probably get a few meals. His gratitude seemed real as he took them from my hand.

Many people hold the opinion that giving in these kinds of situations only enables people to not learn to do for themselves. Maybe. But when we have the means, shouldn’t we give? God has blessed us to be a blessing to others.

TO PONDER: Have you ever been the recipient of the generosity of others? Have you ever felt like you were begging, or depending on the favor of others?

TO DISCUSS: How we decided who, when, and how to give to those in need? Is God seeking more from us?

PRAYER: Jesus, you had to depend on the generosity of others. They housed you. They fed you. You told us that when we do for others in need, we are doing for you. Help us to see you in the faces and lives of those in need and show us how our means can meet their need. Amen.

Advent: Give Big

Day Four: Try and Outgive God

Bring all the tithes into the storehouse so there will be enough food in my Temple. If you do,” says the LORD of Heaven’s Armies, “I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won’t have enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test!” (Malachi 3:10, NLT)

Did you know that money is one of the most frequently mentioned topics in the Bible? It is. And that poses a delicate dilemma for pastors: how to bring messages to the folks in the pews that open their eyes…and their wallets.

Why is it so difficult? People don’t like to be told what to do with their money. But even more than that, I think we cling to our cash for a sense of security. Try living without, and wondering if we’ll be able to make the ends meet…or just at each other from a distance. What’s that about?

Fear. Fear that there won’t be enough to pay the bills. Fear of having to go without. Fear of having to do with less.

Our verse today is one of my favorite challenges in scripture. Set in the context of giving offerings, the message was as difficult to receive to the original hearers, as we find it today.

TO PONDER: What could you do that would like you were trying to outgive God? Have you withheld your gifts out of fear? Our you more concerned with using your means to increase your sense of security and comfort?

TO DISCUSS: Accountability enables growth and progress. Is there someone whose help you could enlist in this challenge? What ways has God poured his blessings into your life? Beyond monetary offerings, what ways could you return a tithe of your time and talents to him?

PRAYER: God, you are so generous. Forgive us for giving into the fear of what might be and show us not only how to be wiser stewards of your blessings in our lives—but show us how we could never outgive you. And help us to know how we can be more faithful and generous. Amen.

Advent: Give Big

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Day Three: Blessed to Give

And I have been a constant example of how you can help those in need by working hard. You should remember the words of the Lord Jesus: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ (Acts 20:35, NLT)

I remember pouring over the “Wish Books” that came to our house from Penney’s and Sears. Years later, our daughters did the same thing.Watching them page through those catalogues, I began to wonder if it would be easier for them to just cross out what they didn’t want.

Things changed for me when I began to earn an allowance, and was able to purchase gifts for others. I never had much money, but thankfully things cost a lot less.

I’ll never forget the first gift I bought for my brother. I spent less than a quarter on a box of paper clips. I’m not sure why I chose those, but I couldn’t have been more proud. In that gesture a seed was planted—the giving seed. I would rather buy for others. I want to watch them open their gifts. I have been so blessed and I want to pass it on.

Oh, please don’t get me wrong. I love getting gifts. Gifts from family and friends that demonstrate their love and generosity. And while my heart is always touched by a thoughtful gift, giving to someone else still trumps receiving.

TO PONDER: What brings more joy to you during the holidays: giving or receiving? How can you surprise someone this season with an unexpected gift?

TO DISCUSS: There are so many charitable organizations who go above and beyond during this holidays to bless others who are hurting and in need. What organizations would you consider partnering with? Other than a gift wrapped in shiny paper with a bow, are there other ways to give of yourself to bless others?

PRAYER: God, thank you for understanding that we like to receive—but show us the greater joy comes in giving. Giving of our time, our talents, our finances. Help to reach out and bless others, as we have been blessed. Amen.

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