Today my job ended. The woman I’ve been caring for the past five and half years died this morning. I had the privilege of being there.
I was still a little numb when I got home. When I lost my job in 2008, I hadn’t gone looking for a job as a care giver. It was quite hard for me at the beginning. God and I had some long talks because I felt so useless. At the beginning my lady was still “with it” enough to resent the heck out of my presence. I likened it to babysitting a teenager: they don’t think they need a babysitter, yet it brings comfort to the parents. I was comfort for the family.
More recently, as she became bed fast, my lady accepted my help–most of the time…but like a child: she didn’t like bath time.
It seems to me that life is held together by bookends. We start sleeping a lot, eating orange fruits and veggies, and wearing diapers. The end looks that way too.
The family I worked for cared about me. Not long ago they made me a huge basket with fresh produce, a loaf of zucchini bread (which my husband enjoyed) and several other things. It was so heavy I could barely lift it into my car. Today they included me in their grieving and their remembering. It was such a precious gift to me.
Back to feeling numb…I sat here at home for a bit and half wondered, half prayed. I heard the mail truck go by…actually I heard the dogs barking out in their pen, like they do when the mail arrives. My body responded by going out to the box, even though my mind wasn’t really in the task.
As I pulled the stack of bills out of the box, I noticed one that had a hint of green in the window. A check. I wondered what my husband overpaid this time. I glanced at the return address, Judson Press, and realized the check was for me. They had accepted another devotion. Instantly I could see nothing else as my eyes filled with tears.
The $20 check didn’t make me rich, but I still felt lavishly loved in that moment. Last week two publishers mentioned my submitting articles. I was encouraged by that and began immediately to work on articles for them. On the weekend, a friend whose opinion I highly respect, spoke to me about my blog and her words encouraged me deeply. Then this. I’m dense at times, but God got all the way through my fog and numbness.
Write, Tina.
So until something else should come along, I will be writing. I have so many things started and now I have time to finish them. Submit them. Edit others. Work on two books I have in process. Seek out contests.
I don’t feel as numb. Actually, I’m feeling excited. And ready to get to the next phase of this journey.
A final thought:
As I read back through this another thought occurred to me–another window into God’s hand upon my life.
I used to function in an extroverted manner that was off the scale. It was so bad that I used to think I needed others around me just to breathe. Then God gave me the job as caregiver. It was one on one. It was quiet. And except for my lady, I was alone. I didn’t like it at first. I chaffed. I squirmed under God’s hand. But I stayed, and I came to love it. The quiet has become so much a part of me that I can’t imagine going back to the world of noise.
As I have immersed myself into the world of writing, I have read many articles about the solitary lifestyle required for writing. I questioned whether I would be able to survive in that lifestyle. This morning the voice of hindsight whispered in my heart, “You’re ready.”
Now isn’t that just like God?
Pot of Manna 
Wonderful writing, by a wonderful an “ready” person !!
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Thanks Odie. 🙂
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Great BIG hugs sent your way. I’m excited for you. It’s just like God to point us in the right direction and when we still don’t see it – give us a little tap upside the head, Gibbs-style. LOL
Will I see you at BRMCWC this spring? My plan is to go, but you know how quickly things can change.
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Right now that’s the plan…but I sure do know how things can change. We’ve been setting aside a little each paycheck to cover the cost.
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I’m happy that you’ve found peace in the midst of this storm. God is so very good, all the time! Guess what?! You’re not the only “Wilson” that is going to be published. Anne & Don Bloch, our marriage counselors and you met them at the wedding, asked us to write our “love” story. Of course, Bill left it up to me but with his approval! Anyway, I wrote it and they loved it! It’s going to be part of their new book. She also told me that I needed to write too! Her publisher loved it and agreed. I told Anne that I wasn’t the writer in the family that you were and she doesn’t know your stuff but disagreed and is trying to encourage me to write too. Go figure. Who knew?! Love you, sweet sister!
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That’s great! But I knew…I believe I was telling you that you should be writing some time ago. Glad to hear you’re finally following through! Keep at it.
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Beautiful! I have a tough time going into nursing homes and hospice centers, but your thoughts helped me see things differently – thanks!!
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So glad to hear that this was helpful. Blessings.
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Thinking of your lady and hoping her last hours and minutes were peaceful.
Best of luck for you in your writing efforts.
(pb reader of OD)
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Thanks Nancy (aka pbreader!). So nice to have you visit. Yes. She was very peaceful and her pain was gone. I was getting ready to read to her…something I had been doing for a couple days. The hospice staff had been preparing us, but it was also helpful that I had been a hospital chaplain for several years.
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What a beautiful post, Tina. I’ve never been a quiet person – no surprise there – but, a few months ago, God called me to set aside Mondays as days for Him. It’s amazing how much easier I can hear His voice when I’m quiet! 🙂
I do hope to see both you and Ginger at BRMCWC!
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Thanks for your words Tina. I’ve always been quiet, withdrawn, etc. As a matter of fact, Walden is my secret fantasy. However for now I work with 22 quite energetic teenagers and love teaching them. Go figure. A part of me is terrified to ask God for “more time to write.” I think you know what I mean. Who knows what the answer to THAT might be…but I do long for it. Your thoughts reminded me of a line from “The Island of Dr. Moreau” by H.G. Wells, which I’m actually using as an introduction to the little book I’m writing: “This is a mood, however, that comes to me now, I thank God, more rarely. I have withdrawn myself from the confusion of cities and multitudes, and spend my days surrounded by wise books,–bright
windows in this life of ours, lit by the shining souls of men.” I’m sorry for your loss Tina. I hope & pray this change in your life will be productive and a blessing to you.
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Thanks Debby! I love the quote.
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