Tag: Fear

Wondering and Wandering: Fear and Freedom

“For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, ‘Abba, Father.'” (Rom. 8:15).

It’s a lot easier to write when I don’t envision my friends’ smirking faces as they read what I’ve written. In particular, I can see Heidi’s grin as she scans over these words. I see her face because it’s her voice I hear in my head right now. I’ve been playing back a conversation we had on Friday as we ate ice cream and sucked down several cups of coffee. “What are you so afraid of?” she asked me.

I had no answer then. I don’t have one now. What I do have is a heavy weight sitting right on my chest, squashing me, squeezing all the air out. Fear is that weight, but I don’t know what it is fear of exactly. Failure. Rejection. Pointlessness. All of the above. None of the above.

Fear is not a new companion. I have lived most of my life afraid of something. I remember the physical frozenness when I was in hospital chaplaincy training and how hard it was to make myself walk through that door. I have been so afraid of driving in weather. Fear has affected my friendships, my relationship with my husband, my job performance.

So when I started researching for today’s word, I started by doing a keyword search on bound. Nothing jumped. I switched to bind. Nope. I googled “spiritual bondage.” Getting closer. Then I pulled out my Theological Dictionary and was directed to the above scripture reference. It wasn’t until I read it a few times that one word jumped up and bit me on the nose. Again.

Chapter 7 of Romans is one of the Bible’s great wrestling matches. My other favorite is Jacob and the Angel. Anyway, in Romans 7, Paul is describing the internal wrestling match he has between doing the good he wants to do and the not-good that he ends up doing. Near the end of the match, Paul asks the question, “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?” The answer is Romans 8:1: Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. Paul wants us to know that God has not set us free to be put into slavery, or bondage AGAIN.

In Christ Jesus we are not just set free, but we are adopted into the closest of relationships. To call God Abba is to refer to him in a dependent and loving way as would a child and with the respect that an adult has for his or her parent. It is a relationship that is completely secure and that’s what releases us from the bondage of fear.

As we wade even deeper into Advent, let us marvel at the freedom that Jesus came to offer. Let’s take time to identify and surrender our fears to him. I mean seriously, aren’t you getting tired of the wrestling match?
1. Come, thou long expected Jesus,
born to set thy people free;
from our fears and sins release us,
let us find our rest in thee.
Israel’s strength and consolation,
hope of all the earth thou art;
dear desire of every nation,
joy of every longing heart.

2. Born thy people to deliver,
born a child and yet a King,
born to reign in us forever,
now thy gracious kingdom bring.
By thine own eternal spirit
rule in all our hearts alone;
by thine all sufficient merit,
raise us to thy glorious throne.

http://www.hymnsite.com/lyrics/umh196.sht

Lenten Learning Curve

The Lenten Learning Curve (and for some reason, I want to keep typing Leaning instead of Learning…hmmmmm) has felt like a roller coaster this year.  So many ups and downs, I have just barely been able to hold on.  But I don’t want to go through Lent, or any part of life, with my squeezed tightly shut and my hands white knuckling the lap bar.  There is no joy in that, only prayers for the end of the experience.

I have never considered myself adventuresome or courageous and I have been befuddled when others tell me how much they appreciate those qualities in me.  For example, they marvel at how “comfortable” I am with getting up before a crowd and sharing my heart.  I crave those opportunities.  I feel fully me when I’m preaching or teaching.  I can’t imagine not doing that. 

That being said, there has been a vicisious battle with fear this season of Lent.  I have wrestled a deeply subconscious battle up to where I could identify it and why it had such a strangle hold on me.  I have been confronted with my reticence and reluctance to move forward towards publication in my writing.   I have had to deal with relational issues resulting in painful confrontations.  Part of me would love to press rewind and pick a different path, but I know that the lessons would just come from a different direction and who knows how severe the learning would be then?

So while the lessons have not been easy, they have proved to be immensely beneficial, life-giving, and even freeing.  And while I’m not ready to throw my arms in the air and scream wahoo, I’m at least willing to admit that I’m thankful for the lessons learned.

Yesterday I faced the largest of those lessons.  I went and registered for the last time.  The deputy who worked on my paperwork was nearly as excited for me as I was.  A couple times he mentioned that he didn’t get to do this (finish someone’s paperwork) very often…um, never.  He asked if I was going to have a party.  Several people have offered to throw one for me.  Not only is the dark cloud lifted, but the fear that somehow it never would happen is gone too!  And the still small voice in the back of my heart whispers, “Will you trust Me now?”

In an endeavor to be more trusting, I took a couple steps.  I applied for a scholarship to the Blue Ridge Mountains Christian Writers Conference.  And I got it!  My reaction when I opened the email was such a mix of laughter and tears.  Then I decided that I would apply to different publishing companies to be a reviewer of books on my blog.  And I was accepted by one company.  I can barely describe how encouraged and excited I am. 

So I’m learning and leaning.  Trusting more.  Maybe I haven’t gotten to a full-fledged “Yes!”, but I’m at a very decent, “Okay!” with God.  It’s not perfect but it’s progress.  And that’s good for me.  Not bad for a recovering perfectionist.  Not bad at all.

 

We’re Still in Lent….I’m still journeying

Have been thinking a lot about fear these past few days. Have been feeling it, too. Not liking it very much conceptually or emotionally.

I broke down and tried to tell a friend about it. We were having our weekly Bible study (currently we’re translating and studying the Gospel of Mark). Before we dive into the text, we spend some time catching up and sharing what’s been happening in our lives. She asked me if I had been doing any writing and I had to confess that I had been too frozen by fear to be creative at all. She didn’t get it. I don’t blame her, neither do I.

I am facing a day in the very near future when I will bring to a close a very shame-filled part of my life. March 26th should be a time of celebration, but I am afraid that some kind of hiccup in the system is going to happen and instead of an end I will just experience a never-ending dark hanging over my life. My fear isn’t completely unfounded for in the middle of this “sentence” there was legislation that temporarily snatched away the hope of an end. It was a very dark time for me. I found that living without hope of end of pain, emotional in my case, is difficult to say the least.

My friend went on to ask me how my faith was impacting this fear. Her question implied that if I had faith then I wouldn’t have fear. I wish it were that simple. Perhaps the problem is that for me, it’s not just about fear–it’s really about control. Who’s really in control of my life and can I trust the one who is in control to do a better job of managing my life than I can? What if He takes me to a place that is overwhelmingly difficult? Why can’t I have some of the ease that others get?

Thinking this way took me on a journey through scriptures that should bring me comfort and contentment. There is the verse that is often quoted from Jeremiah, that God has plans for, plans that involve hope and a future, is generally taken out of context. If you read the entire chapter, you find that God has put his people in a very dangerous exile and told them to get comfortable. Job, asks a question that echoes what these folks must have been feeling and fearing: shall we take the good and not the bad? Life must have looked better to the one to whom the Psalmist wrote Psalm 37. He or she seemed to be in a difficult place and when they looked around them people who were living rough and faithless lives seemed to be prospering. It didn’t seem fair.

Ok. Everything written up to this point is from yesterday and before. What a difference a day makes. Or at least, what a difference a sermon can make. I had one of those moments this morning when I was almost positive that my pastor had been reading my emails, blogs, or mind this week. His message was straight from God’s heart to mine. (And I told him so, too.)

The title of the message was “Victory and Deliverence.” He used Acts 12:1-11 as his text. It was one of his more powerful and spirited sermons. Or maybe it just seemed that way, since it felt like he was sharing it just with me. I was most affected by the first half, the part about victory. He shared that he had a thought, one that didn’t come from his many books and it impacted his preparation. “Victory doesn‘t require winning.” He spoke about trusting God and not being concerned about the outcome. The pump was primed for me during the offertory, of all things. The pianist played a beautiful arrangement of “Because He Lives.” As I listened to the music, I was totally captured by the phrase: “Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, all fear is gone.” Looking at the pieces individually may not have the same impact for you, but it just about knocked me over.

Pastor didn’t know about my nagging fear. He knows March 26 is coming for me, but he had no idea how I had been struggling. The pianist has no clue about my fear or the importance of March 26 for me. Yet both she and the pastor, in obedience to God shared exactly what I needed to hear to get me through this trying time.

Tuesday, the 27th, may not be any different than the day before. Some emergency law may go into effect that in effect snatches away my intensely anticipated and longed for freedom, but I know I’ll be okay.

To seal the deal for me, one of the major points in this morning’s Sunday School lesson (which the co-teacher taught today, not me) was that we need to have a “so be it” attitude (think Mary speaking to the angel about being God’s handmaden, or Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemene) in our relationship with God, especially as it pertains to our prayer life.

I no more know what the 26th or 27th will hold any more than I know what’s going to happen in the next minute, hour, or day. What I do know is that I know who’s I am. I know that whatever the plan is, wherever the path leads, I can trust the maker of path and plan to have what’s best for me–even when I can’t see it or don’t understand. I have already been delivered from the worst and am a victor through Christ. And really, what more do I need? I can’t think of anything.

Funny. I don’t feel afraid anymore. And the only thing that’s changed is me.